While October is well known for fall leaves, pumpkin patches and breast cancer awareness, this month is also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Congress declared the month of October to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month in 1989. Why should we dedicate a month to focus on the issue of domestic violence? Because battering is the single major cause of injury to women; more frequent than auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
It’s important to know that there is no “typical victim.” Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life, varying age groups, all backgrounds, all communities, all education levels, all economic levels, all cultures, all ethnicities, all religions, all abilities, all sexual orientations, and all lifestyles. Consider some eye-opening statistics[1]:
- An average of 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a single year.
- 30% of women in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner.
- One in 7 men have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- 1 in 10 high school students has experienced physical violence from a dating partner in the past year.
- 30% to 60% of intimate partner violence perpetrators also abuse children in the household.
- Domestic violence issues lead to nearly 8 million lost days of paid work each year, the equivalent of over 32,000 full-time jobs.
With the prevalence of domestic violence so high, it’s almost guaranteed that we all know someone in that situation. It’s important we all take a look at the issue and review a few ways we can help support those living with intimate partner violence.
What Is Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is all about the power and control over another person[2]. What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they “love them so much”) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill a pet or hurt the victim if they speak to family, friends, etc.). While many still think of domestic violence as physical abuse, people who choose to use violence exert all sorts of tactics to instill fear, including emotional and verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, stalking, and coercive control.
Signs to Look For
It’s important to know that there is no “typical victim.” Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life, varying age groups, all backgrounds, all communities, all education levels, all economic levels, all cultures, all ethnicities, all religions, all abilities, all sexual orientations, and all lifestyles. Some obvious indicators that someone may be in an abusive relationship include:
- Excuses for injuries
- Personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who was always confident
- Constantly checking in with their partner
- Never having money on hand
- Overly worried about pleasing their partner
- Skipping out on work, school, or social outings for no clear reason
- Wearing clothes that don’t fit the season, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises
How You Can Help
If you suspect a friend, coworker, or family member may be living in a violent situation, it’s important to approach that person slowly and with no judgement.
- Start by saying something like, ‘I’m worried about you because…’ or ‘I’m concerned about your safety, is someone hurting you?’ You may have to try several times before they will confide in you.
- Do not say anything bad about their partner – this may alienate them or make them feel ashamed.
- Believe them. Too often people do not believe a person when abuse is disclosed.
- Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault — no one deserves abuse.
- Assure them you are there for them when they need you. Agree on a code word so she can signal when she is in danger and needs you to get help
- Find out about services which could support her locally or nationally
- Offer to keep a spare set of keys for her or important documents, such as passports, bank account details and benefit information so that she can access them quickly in an emergency
Importantly, don’t tell the person to leave their abuser or criticize them for staying. They will make that decision in their own time. On average it takes survivors 7-8 attempts before leaving a relationship with an abusive partner. The reasons are countless, but here are a few:
- Safety: She may be fearful of what the abuser will do to her, children, and pets if they attempt to leave
- Denial: She convinces herself that “it’s not that bad”
- Shame: She is embarrassed about people finding out
- Guilt: The abuser makes her believe that she is to blame for his actions
- Financial dependence: The victim may not be able to support herself and her children independently because the abuser controls the finances.
- Pressure: Family, friends, and the church pressure her to stay and ‘make it work’
- Jekyll and Hyde: The abuser switches between charm and rage; the woman thinks ‘He’s not always like this. I still love him.”
Without a clear understanding of domestic violence dynamics, helping a survivor can be difficult and frustrating. Survivor’s decisions are often not about courage, strength, willingness, or intelligence. They are about accessing resources and navigating the risks imposed by the person using violence. Remember, domestic violence involves one person using violence to exert control over the other. Therefore, it can be difficult for someone to act; or it may even be dangerous.
Please take time this month to consider how the scourge of domestic violence affects your friends and family and what you can do about helping those in dangerous situations. If you would like more information on how you can help a friend in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, please check out the US Department of Health’s Office on Women’s Health, or call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to get advice.
[1] https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
[2] https://www.thehotline.org/resources/dynamics-of-abuse/